The Last Lecture

As I see it, a parent’s job is to encourage kids to develop a joy for life and a great urge to follow their own dreams. The best we can do is to help them develop a personal set of tools for the task.

Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier.

The brick walls are there for a reason. They’re not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.

TOO MANY people go through life complaining about their problems. I’ve always believed that if you took one-tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you’d be surprised by how well things can work out.

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted. And experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer.

Time is all you have. And you may find one day that you have less than you think.

“When you’re screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they’ve given up on you.”

Brick walls are there for a reason. They give us a chance to show how badly we want something.

EXPERIENCE IS what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

Have something to bring to the table, because that will make you more welcome.

engineering isn’t about perfect solutions; it’s about doing the best you can with limited resources.

I quote my father to people almost every day. Part of that is because if you dispense your own wisdom, others often dismiss it; if you offer wisdom from a third party, it seems less arrogant and more acceptable.

“Never make a decision until you have to.” He’d also warn me that even if I was in a position of strength, whether at work or in relationships, I had to play fair. “Just because you’re in the driver’s seat,” he’d say, “doesn’t mean you have to run people over.”

Anybody out there who is a parent, if your kids want to paint their bedrooms, as a favor to me, let them do it.

As an aside, there’s a lesson here: Have something to bring to the table, because that will make you more welcome.

Fundamentals. That was a great gift Coach Graham gave us. Fundamentals, fundamentals, fundamentals.

You’ve got to get the fundamentals down, because otherwise the fancy stuff is not going to work.

“When you’re screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they’ve given up on you.”

Self-esteem? He knew there was really only one way to teach kids how to develop it: You give them something they can’t do, they work hard until they find they can do it, and you just keep repeating the process.

teamwork, perseverance, sportsmanship, the value of hard work, an ability to deal with adversity. This kind of indirect learning is what some of us like to call a “head fake.”

He was the distilled essence of the dynamic manager, a guy who knew how to delegate, had the passion to inspire, and looked good in what he wore to work. He never professed to have skills greater than his subordinates. He acknowledged that they knew what they were doing in their domains. But he established the vision, the tone. He was in charge of morale.

Tenacity is a virtue, but it’s not always crucial for everyone to observe how hard you work at something.

So that was a setback. But I kept my mantra in mind: The brick walls are there for a reason. They’re not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.

As a result, when I finally met Jon, he was wowed by how prepared I was. (It’s easy to look smart when you’re parroting smart people.) Then, at the end of the lunch, I made “the ask.”

“a Dutch uncle,” which refers to a person who gives you honest feedback.

My message: People are more important than things. A car, even a pristine gem like my new convertible, was just a thing.

Whenever the kids were with me, we had just two rules: 1) No whining. 2) Whatever we do together, don’t tell Mom. Not telling Mom made everything we did into a pirate adventure. Even the mundane could feel magical.

The brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.”

even fairy-tale moments have risks, while the collapsed balloon was loaded onto the ballooner’s truck. Then, just as Jack was about to take us home, the ballooner came trotting over to us. “Wait, wait!” he said. “You ordered the wedding package! It comes with a bottle of champagne!” He handed us a cheap bottle from his truck. “Congratulations!”

My parents had raised me to recognize that automobiles are there to get you from point A to point B. They are utilitarian devices, not expressions of social status.

NO MATTER how bad things are, you can always make things worse. At the same time, it is often within your power to make them better.

Dylan’s birth was a reminder to me of the roles we get to play in our destinies. Jai and I could have made things worse by falling into pieces. She could have gotten so hysterical that she’d thrown herself into shock. I could have been so stricken that I’d have been no help in the operating room.

“This isn’t fair.” We just kept going. We recognized that there were things we could do that might help the outcome in positive ways...and we did them. Without saying it in words, our attitude was, “Let’s saddle up and ride.”

Time must be explicitly managed, like money.

You can always change your plan, but only if you have one. I’m a big believer in to-do lists. It helps us break life into small steps.

Ask yourself: Are you spending your time on the right things? You may have causes, goals, interests. Are they even worth pursuing?

Develop a good filing system.

Delegate.

Take a time out. It’s not a real vacation if you’re reading email or calling in for messages.

Time is all you have. And you may find one day that you have less than you think.

The only way any of us can improve—as Coach Graham taught me—is if we develop a real ability to assess ourselves. If we can’t accurately do that, how can we tell if we’re getting better or worse?

Luck is indeed where preparation meets opportunity.

Give yourself permission to dream. Fuel your kids’ dreams, too. Once in a while, that might even mean letting them stay up past their bedtimes.

I’LL TAKE an earnest person over a hip person every time, because hip is short-term. Earnest is long-term.

Fashion, by the way, is commerce masquerading as hip.

TOO MANY people go through life complaining about their problems. I’ve always believed that if you took one-tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you’d be surprised by how well things can work out.

Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier.

But I did think it’s always best to try to treat the disease first. Her symptoms were stress and anxiety. Her disease was the money she owed.

Meet people properly:

Find things you have in common: You can almost always find something in common with another person, and from there, it’s much easier to address issues where you have differences.

Try for optimal meeting conditions:

Let everyone talk:

“If you wait long enough,” he said, “people will surprise and impress you.”

“It took a long time, but I’ve finally figured it out. When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.”

As I see it, the reason clichés are repeated so often is because they’re so often right on the money.

Dance with the one who brung you.

It’s a reminder about loyalty and appreciation.

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.

Whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right.

EXPERIENCE IS what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

“The First Penguin Award” and went to the team that took the biggest gamble in trying new ideas or new technology, while failing to achieve their stated goals. In essence, it was an award for “glorious failure,” and it celebrated out-of-the-box thinking and using imagination in a daring way. The other students came to understand: “First Penguin” winners were losers who were definitely going somewhere.

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted. And experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer.

“When we make something hard to use, people get upset. They become so angry that they want to destroy it. We don’t want to create things that people will want to destroy.”

I sure got their attention. That’s always the first step to solving an ignored problem.

SHOWING GRATITUDE is one of the simplest yet most powerful things humans can do for each other.

My advice was more about helping them recognize that there are respectful, considerate things that can be done in life that will be appreciated by the recipient, and that only good things can result.

A lot of people want a shortcut. I find the best shortcut is the long way, which is basically two words: work hard.

That can make you more efficient, more able, even happier. Hard work is like compounded interest in the bank. The rewards build faster.

The Disney trip was gratitude easily delivered. It was a tangible gift, and it was perfect because it was an experience I could share with people I cared about.

I could never adequately pay him back, so I just have to pay it forward.

“Go out and do for others what somebody did for you.”

“Thank you for agreeing to do this,” I’d write. “The enclosed Thin Mints are your reward. But no fair eating them until you review the paper.”

I’VE ALWAYS felt a need to be prepared for whatever situation I’ve found myself in. When I leave the house, what do I need to bring? When I teach a class, what questions should I anticipate? When I’m preparing for my family’s future without me, what documents should I have in place?

One thing that makes it possible to be an optimist is if you have a contingency plan for when all hell breaks loose. There are a lot of things I don’t worry about because I have a plan in place if they do.

“When you go into the wilderness, the only thing you can count on is what you take with you.” And essentially, the wilderness is anywhere but your home or office. So take money. Bring your repair kit. Imagine the wolves. Pack a lightbulb. Be prepared.

If you’ve done something wrong in your dealings with another person, it’s as if there’s an infection in your relationship. A good apology is like an antibiotic; a bad apology is like rubbing salt in the wound.

Many times in my career, I saw students apologize, and then several days later, their teammates came around. Your patience will be both appreciated and rewarded.

“you’re only as good as your word,”

Honesty is not only morally right, it’s also efficient. In a culture where everyone tells the truth, you can save a lot of time double-checking.

My message is this: There is more than one way to measure profits and losses. On every level, institutions can and should have a heart.

He believed manual labor was beneath no one. He said he’d prefer that I worked hard and became the best ditch-digger in the world rather than coasting along as a self-impressed elitist behind a desk.

The reason I tell this story is to emphasize how sensitive you need to be when crossing from one culture to another—

It’s interesting, the secrets you decide to reveal at the end of your life. I should have been telling that story for years, because the moral is: If you want something bad enough, never give up (and take a boost when offered).

WE’VE PLACED a lot of emphasis in this country on the idea of people’s rights. That’s how it should be, but it makes no sense to talk about rights without also talking about responsibilities. Rights have to come from somewhere, and they come from the community. In return, all of us have a responsibility to the community.

Everyone has to contribute to the common good. To not do so can be described in one word: selfish.

When we’re connected to others, we become better people.

Sometimes, all you have to do is ask.

Each of us must decide: Am I a fun-loving Tigger or am I a sad-sack Eeyore? Pick a camp. I think it’s clear where I stand on the great Tigger/Eeyore debate.

My personal take on optimism is that as a mental state, it can enable you to do tangible things to improve your physical state.

As I see it, a parent’s job is to encourage kids to develop a joy for life and a great urge to follow their own dreams. The best we can do is to help them develop a personal set of tools for the task.

So my dreams for my kids are very exact: I want them to find their own path to fulfillment. And given that I won’t be there, I want to make this clear: Kids, don’t try to figure out what I wanted you to become. I want you to become what you want to become.

the best caregiving advice we’ve ever heard comes from flight attendants: “Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.”

It’s about how to lead your life. If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you.”